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by Jon Orders
2nd place in the ' Skysailor Short Story Competition 1998.'
Have you ever wanted to impress the gun pilots with your flying? Draw a crowd with eyes aimed skywards, following your every move? Wanna feel like a legend? All you need to do to make them all "Oooh!" and " Aaah!" is fly continually to the extreme.
It's boring floating around nancy-pancy, you want to always speed through the air 20kn faster than the other wooses. Live on the edge. Well, here are my expert tips on gaining satisfaction- you'll never lack for spectators again.
Launches and landings are the best times to flaunt it. Close proximity to the ground means lots of exitement and danger.
When tow launching, lean hard to one side, so you're almost at the point of locking out, then straighten with bar to the waist, skim ground, then bar out hard to stall.
Don't worry about calling " stop-stop-stop!", it will eventually be sweet. It will certainly draw heads in your direction and they'll be there next time you get into your rocket. It is important to scream at full volume throughout, someone's bound to have a radio to their ear. If you weak-link and you've got to land , bonus! We'll come to that later.
When launching from ridge or cliff, yell something like, "Clear, no, hold, clear!" This totally confuses and disorientates your helpers and you'll practically decapitate them when you finally do go. Always trip on your run-up approach, preferably with leeward wing digging a new ramp foundation, go over in a purposefully sharp dive to the rocks below. This should get the most hardened of punters out of their harnesses and to the edge. You'll find this method of attention seeking incredibly satisfying.
In the air, thermal right up the other guy's backside, so he can't see you. This causes mega panic and alarm on the radio. To appear fearless, play "chicken" on the ridge whenever possible and flying in rotor will always give you an excuse on how well you handled it.
Upon landing, try nil winds and tailwinds. The conventional method is very dull, so have the VG full on for extra speed, get your wing up to warp factor 10 if possible, but forget the flare (my favorite). Always scream as you're frapping in and for extra effect you might like to fold your arms (it will hurt if you hold on) or wave to the cameras and get copies of the prints. Don't worry, the glider will take most of the damage before you do.
In the past, I've been guilty of committing most of these stunts and with a little overconfidence thought that I didn't make many mistakes. Bullshit. Now my mental attitude to flying has changed and I've progressed with caution and safety because of it. I don't fly to impress anybody but myself.
If you wrote down the things you think you're doing wrong, then ask your spectators to tell you what they reckon, chances are you'll hear more you hadn't even thought about. Listen and learn and you'll live a lot longer, have an enjoyable flight, land with a smile and not your heart in your mouth.
Fly within your capabilities and most importantly, pull your bloody head in.